Reclaiming your identity after motherhood
Dr Sandrina Haeck a Johannesburg based Clinical Psychologist suggests how to maintain the mother-child bond, while also indulging the mother-woman balance.
When you become a mother, your kids’ lives become your own, particularly in the early years. But there will come a time when you’re ready to extricate yourself from being a mom 24/7
Why “me time”?
Becoming a mother didn’t change who you are. While you are now responsible for your little angels , you are still a woman, a thinker and so much more. It’s vitally important that you strike a balance between your mother-child time of connection and bonding and your ‘me-time’ so both thrive.
Moms need to take time for themselves, pure and simple. Remember what you used to love before you had kids? It’s still OK to love those things now.
“Mom time” vs. “Me time”
“Mom time” starts when the kids wake up and continue until the last little angel is tucked warmly into bed at night. “Mom time” is what you have when you are running kids around and fixing lunches and kissing sores better, not to mention that super special and unique one on one, face to face contact with your kids each and every day as they grow through life…And that’s wonderful, never take that for granted it passes way quicker than one ever expects!
But sometimes, you just need to be YOU. That’s why taking a little ‘ ME TIME’ away from the kids and responsibilities is so important (not just to you— to the kids too). And call it “me time” — because it’s about YOU!
What can you do?
Take 10 min to meditate, exercise get a quick massage, or coffee with a friend. Read a good book or just sit outside in your glorious garden…read more TIPS from Dr Sandrina Haeck at the end of this article for some extended reflection on HOW TO…
Time will invigorate you and a much needed break is all that’s needed.
Besides the benefits for your psyche, and soma (Mind and Body) it’s also good for the kids to see you taking care of yourself.’They will mirror the behaviors of those around them so the best way to help them learn to go after their dreams is to do it yourself! Show them that it’s OK to have interests and goals and to go after them,’ Remember the most important person in a child’s life is their same sex parent. Think of the importance of this with your little angel girls, moms, you teach them through who you are what a woman is, a wife and mother…what are you teaching them about SELF, about ‘ME TIME’, about boundaries and self care? Consider your impact next time you run around juggling 101 things hoping to look ‘in control’ while burning the dinner and having a house full of screaming children. Ask dads to consider the same with their impact as the most important parent to sons, to consider their impact on your sons and who they become as men, husbands and fathers one day. Remember as parents you both co-create what a wholesome family looks like, what is expected from each individual and what’s ok or not ok. You define that by what you show your kids!
Dr Haeck says that as little as 10 minutes can be enough to recharge your internal batteries. The key is to stay away from mothering duties and do something just for you.
‘I always say being a mom is the hardest job in the world! We are constantly juggling a 101 things at once trying not drop any proverbial balls. However, I truly believe that we have to find balance in our lives, which for most of us is very hard,” says Sandrina. ‘I always suggest waking up an hour before the time to go exercise, or meditate. To make an effort with your kids to have a date nights with your partner once a week to talk about other things in your lives besides the kids. Of course you’ll discuss the kids on your date night, and also talk about work, your interests, other things that are going on.’ It’s all ok as long as you’re taking the time to connect and establish deep bonds that are for life as the impact of your parenting reaches into your pension years and your children’s futures…think of that for a moment…
If finding time and help is a challenge, don’t be afraid to ask for assistance. ‘It’s truly all about finding the balance that works for you. I always say ask for help, ask a friend, a family member, a babysitter — you need to find time for you,’ says Sandrina
Don’t feel guilty!!!
Feeling guilty about wanting to take ‘me time’? Don’t! We know it’s important to maintain the mother-child bond, but it also makes you a better mom when you have that balance between your mothering duties and your personal wants.
‘In today’s world mommy and daddy guilt runs rampant. We feel guilty for working all week so then we feel bad finding babysitters for our kids so we can take me-time for ourselves,’ says Sandrina ‘But taking me-time to pursue your dreams benefits kids because when they spend time with other caregivers, they are learning to forge new one-on-one relationships with others, becoming wholesome adults one day.
There are things that happen to some women when becoming MOMs. Sometimes we cut our hair real short or we no longer wear heels everywhere we go. Maybe we start preferring yoga pants over jeans and we stop wearing makeup. These things don’t really mean anything. You’re still beautiful with no makeup and short hair in yoga pants with flip flops. But the one thing that does concern me is that too many mother become martyrs for their kids.
Far too many moms skip ‘ ME TIME ‘Maybe we feel we don’t deserve it or we can’t find time. Some feel TOO GUILTY to take it, like we shouldn’t ever be away from our kids. Little by little, day by day, we lose ourselves.
Research informs us, says Dr Haeck, that the average mother ends up with a mere 17 minutes to herself a day. Isn’t that shocking?!
Over the course of a whole week, looking after children and going to work as well as doing the lion’s share of the housework means that the average mother gets less than an hour and a half of waking time to herself, scary isn’t it.
The study into ‘me time’ found those rare moments of peace are usually spent catching up on the latest soaps, watching TV in bed, reading or enjoying a well-earned cup of tea.
The hectic lifestyles of mothers emerged in the study and found a frazzled 51 per cent regularly go whole weeks without even a single minute relaxing on their own.
While nearly three quarters of the 2,000 mothers in the study felt they lived their lives entirely for other people.
The study also found nearly two thirds feel the chores aren’t shared equally between themselves and their partners and that their current arrangement is unfair.
When quizzed on their domestic workloads it emerged that mothers take on 78 per cent of the home chores.
And more than half said they don’t have time to have their own hobbies or interests. Are you one of them?
When that rare free time does come along, women were most likely to describe their bedroom as their biggest sanctuary and the place they relax the most.
In fact, half of the 2,000 mothers said the only place they can relax in a typical week is in their bedroom.
And more than half (55 per cent) said one of the biggest highlights of their week was the chance to catch their favourite soaps and television programmes undisturbed.
While seven in ten women say their partner gets a lot more free time than them over the course of a normal week.
A begrudging one in five women resent the fact that their partner has more time to relax in their routine and that they’re more easily able to switch off after working.
No wonder then that three quarters of mothers said, even in quiet moments by themselves they can never fully relax if they knew there were jobs outstanding.
In fact, even in rest mothers are still working – 42 per cent said that the very often they’ll spend some of their rare free time planning for the next day.
They added: ‘Moms are working so hard and are very much the driving force behind many families but the results show just how hard they find it to completely switch off.
‘Many live so much for the rest of the family that it can be hard to remember themselves. Even if it’s just a matter of catching their favourite programme each week or taking half an hour out to relax in their bedroom, it’s important mom remembers to get that ‘me time’ each day to recharge.’
Dr Haeck suggests that it is vitally important for moms to truly take a step back and reflect and consider the importance of integrating all the parts of the self, once again looking at reclaiming that part of self that is the original self before kids came along, the independent, self serving, happy go lucky perhaps and spontaneous self that was not burdened by the deepest responsibility that parenting brings along with it…getting in touch with that inner child, that playful self that once knew how to just relax, have some fun and unwind. When you are in that space you’d know about it, you’d feel as if nothing else matters for just that one moment in time.
Sandrina does not suggest that this be done irresponsibly to the demise or detriment of the kids but that alternate care be arranged for the kids before embarking on such an explorative inner journey. One that is centered on going back and reclaiming the self before the kids came along…the authentic SELF!
Some tips to truly begin to look at stepping out of that one dimensional role of care taker and immerse yourself back into a wholesomeness of SELF!
- Read a good book
- Have a cup of tea or three
- Watch that favorite soap you’ve PVRd
- Have a snooze for as long as you want
- Look online and discover what interests you, perhaps spending time connecting with friends on Facebook or Tweeting even. blogging your favorite tips on reclaiming your true self
- Online shopping – nothing better than a buying yourself a gift online after all you work damn hard every day to ensure all is taken care of
- Have a candlelit bath with loads of bubbles, good music and just rest your weary bones
- Relaxing in bed- doing nothing but relaxing
- Go watch a good movie with friends
- Clean the house, clear out your cupboards, de clutter, rearrange furniture
- Go to a day spa for some pampering
- Eat chocolate
- Go for a good walk or run
- Go shopping for yourself- the operative word here is YOURSELF!
- Write out your bucket list of things you want to do in your life, things you enjoy, things you want to still go and see, places to check out- Then GO and DO each one, one at a time (remember nothing is ever effective unless it is actioned into being)
- Listen to good old music or the radio in peace
- Enjoy some outdoor activities
- Read the newspapers
- Play computer games/ Apps
- Paint your nails, pretty yourself up
Always remember that it’s important to take gentle care of your precious self as you are an example for those little angle feet that follow YOU!
For further insights or assistance contact Dr Sandrina Haeck 083 555 0911 / DrHaeck@gmail.com